The year 2021 was one of walking the walk for me. I found myself in a space that required action on my part. I had to make a commitment to live my talk! In other words, to have faith and believe in me! Then, make it happen like I tell others to do! I had to be willing to embrace moments at the forefront, some of the messy and less refined, as I typically desire. I walked straight forward, allowing what once was to inspire what will be! For the last 364 days, this walk was personal, and through that lens, I have become a better version of myself, shaped by my choices and the confidence to make them.
Walking, Not Running
I felt myself wanting to walk, not run. Part of my own awareness is knowing that I tend to set new goals before I relish the ones that I have achieved. The spotlight was on my own actions as I attempted my best version of motherly advice. Walking the walk, but really wanting to slow down and crawl (at times, into a hole). I couldn’t stop the clock, but I could learn how to count the minutes, in place of the hours. Somehow when I began walking, I was not running out of time nearly as fast. It was all about moments!
Adulting at a Steady Pace
This was the year to watch my firstborn graduate high school and set off into a world! I wanted him to learn that adulting is best at a steady pace. Isn’t it, I asked myself? I wanted him to feel pride in his own success and not compare himself to others. I tried to convey to him that at 18, he didn’t have to have it all figured out. He needed to live life and that means navigating all those unknowns. Hearing myself using words such as risk-taking and grace gave way to a larger picture. I was full-steam ahead with advice as if my “mom-card” was about to semi-expire. I wanted him to slow down and walk with me, but he had different plans at a different pace.
Steady My Own Pace
Suddenly, I felt as if he were in a full sprint far beyond my grasp. I knew that I could either chase after him or I could watch it unfold from the sidelines, at times in tears, laughter, awe, and even the pain of biting through my own tongue. This was when I made my first personal change, avoiding my fight or flight response at all cost and attempting to steady my own pace… going on standby!
Fight, Flight or Standby
For the majority of 2021, I felt I was on standby. I wasn’t fighting this change in my “mom-world” even though every fiber of my being tried. I wasn’t fleeing it by working past hours as I often use that as my “sphere of control.” I was on standby, soaking up the minutes that I had and ready to jump on any chance that connected me with my friends, family, and growing in ways I couldn’t plan. It amazed me just how many opportunities came my way when I hadn’t filled every minute to the max.
Steadying My Momma Heart
Standby served a great purpose in my life this year and I am grateful to have had that option. With less commitment outside of my home, I was able to steady my momma heart a bit, in other words, I listened to it. If my heart said make plans with a friend, I did! If it said to have a cleansing cry, I did! My heart learned how to live on standby and gave me the courage to let go. As much as it felt like I was losing control over myself, in reality, I was… as a part of my now 19-year-old has always been a part of me. I let go of what once was with Trent and started preparing for what will be!
What Will Be
With 2022 just hours away, I am taking in the minutes and walking right into the new year! What will be, will be… some of it within my control, but no doubt much that isn’t. I have hope that this new year will bring about more positive change. I am 365 more days prepared for it than my last new year, and that is worth celebrating!
Here is to the New Year… one with great hope for what is to come!
T.R.U.E. G.R.I.T. 